i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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