Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
