I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
