they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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