my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
