Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
