remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
