I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
