I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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