I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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