I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
