Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
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This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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