I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
