Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
