He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
