What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful