Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today