using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
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I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize