Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
