people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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