just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
