I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
