How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
