Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
