You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
