Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
