I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
