yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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