is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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