Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
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Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked