She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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