I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
