i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
