I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
