tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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