it hurts more in the daytime
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
