dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
