she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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