Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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