i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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