all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
