I'm gonna have a badass scar
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
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