Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
