pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
