I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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