just tell him i said nine months
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
