ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
