No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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