And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
