She just used a chaser for red wine.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
