You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
