trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
