Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
