I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
