this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
