Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
