my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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