i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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